Shopper Delight: November Edition

I realize I got a little behind in updating you on the glorious items (and creatures) for sale in our local shopper. I also realize how thoroughly I have disappointed you through my negligence. Therefore, I bring you the latest round of delights.

September 22

FOR SALE: Puzzles, that are already put together, mounted on paneling to be frames as pictures

I don't even know where to begin! I could comment on the person's grammar. I could comment on the editors editing. I think I'll just leave it at that. Ah, redneck decorating at its best. How could anyone resist perfectly matted puzzle art? I hope it's "Dogs Playing Poker!"

NOTICE: Will the people who sold the wooden picnic table at the yard sale, please call me. I can't find your house to pick it up.

Umm, it was bought at the yard sale? How could you not figure out where you bought something? This might indicate some sort of yard sale addiction. Stop. Seek therapy.

September 29

FOR SALE: Rabbit pen, 6 ft. tall, x 81/2 ft. wide with closed in section, $50. Also for Free 2 female rabbits to person buying pen. For pets.

What a bonus! Buy a pen and get 2 free pet rabbits foisted on you!

FOR SALE: I have a perfect gift for the wife who is hard to buy for: a new 2000 psi pressure washer, gas operated, $200; 1/2" electric impact wrench, $100; six piece 18 volt, cordless drill tool set, $125; new 2000 watt 12 hp, 4 cycle generator, two 110s, one 220 AC outlet, $625; 10x10 pop up canopies, $65 each; 12x12 pop up canopies, $80 each; 19.2 volt, cordless, 3 piece tool set, $115; new Falcon 110 Four Wheeler, $850; 1990 Chevrolet pickup truck, cold air, everything works, $2895 obo, also 25" remote control TV, console, floor model, $80.

Hmmm. I have no idea what half this crap actually is, but I'm pretty sure I can't wear any of it. I'm also positive that very few women would be thrilled to open one of these "fine" items on Christmas Day. Therefore, I'm positive this man is divorced and bitter because if any man actual does buy his wife this these things, he's going to end up divorced and bitter.

October 6

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday Jesus yard signs. They will be white with red letters size 18x24, the cost will be $10 per sign.

Sigh. No comment.

October 20

FOR SALE: pair of snake chaps, husky size, $30.

Ahhh!! The involuntary image emblazoned on my brain! Get it out of my head!

FOR SALE: '02 Kawasaki four wheeler 250, front and back racks, new gun rack, new tires, runs great, $1650.

Is there anything that doesn't come with a gun rack on it down here? I'm fairly certain if I designed a baby carriage with a gun rack, it would be a #1 seller.

FOR SALE: American Racing pigeon union, registered Homing Pigeons, a wonderful sport or hobby for the young and old, $25 per pair.

Yes! They're back! I didn't miss my chance! So, how exactly is a pigeon a wonderful sport or hobby? If I can train it like my future miniature donkey, I'm in!

November 3

FOR SALE: Kiddie train, 6 cars, easily pulled with lawn mower, golf cart or four wheeler, used as a Kiddie ride in Festivals, birthdays, etc., asking $75 each car or all for $400.

I so wanted this! Who would not want their very own miniature train! I could load the cat, dogs, miniature donkey (wait, still don't have one) and Jeremy all onto it and pull them around town with my golf cart (wait, still don't have one)! Once again, Jeremy did not think this was a good investment. He seems to think things like getting heat in the house are more important. Such a party pooper!

REWARD OFFERED: For information leading to the recovery of a green, Easy Go gas golf cart, stolen from Benhamin H. Hill Drive on Friday night.

It wasn't me!!!!

November 10

NOTICE: To the person who took the book out of my camper, please return it. I have you on surveilance camera, if not immediately returned, I will turn it over to the Sheriff's Dept.

I hate it when I'm camping and someone steals my . . . book. I'd hate to see what he'd do if someone stole something of value. That's probably when the AK-47 and Rambo headband come out.

PUBLIC NOTICE: Because of the number of incidents involving guns, alcohol and abuse of the Rochelle Community Center, the Rochelle City Council is considering banning all parties from the community center.

I never get invited to the good parties!

Golf Carts and Miniature Donkeys

There are very few things that I want, but since moving here, two things I feel I must have are a golf cart and some miniature donkeys. Yet, Jeremy persists in denying me these few things that could mean my complete happiness, and I have no idea why!

First, there is the golf cart. I admit, I have golf cart envy. You see, there's a town law that makes it legal, as long as you pay the $10 registration fee each year, to drive your golf carts along the sides of the streets. All year long, I watch people zip about town in their golf carts, running quick errands, running over to friend's houses, or just out for a little cruise. I want my own golf cart! I keep watching the shopper, but there have not been many used ones for sale that fit my budget (which is pretty much nil). Occasionally, I'll get excited because someone will be selling a go-cart or a dune buggy for cheap, but then Jeremy reminds me that the law only applies to golf carts, and I'm back at square one again. Jeremy even asked me what I would do with a golf cart anyway. I'd drive it around town of course! So, there really isn't that much "need" for a golf cart, but I so want one!

In fact, I have even been weighing my golf cart options. So far, this red beauty with flames is my favorite! Plus, you can even add different options--a stereo, cd player, ipod docking station, speakers, lockable glove compartment, and beautiful chrome bumper! I'm restraining myself right now and not posting all the different pictures of the option items, as I realize not everyone probably shares my enthusiasm over golf carts. While Jeremy just sighs every time I bring up golf carts, I did get him to admit it would be pretty fun to cruise around town in one. Maybe I'll wear him down on this one yet. Unfortunately, I think the particular model I have chosen costs much more than my current vehicle, so unless I can drive it to work (roughly 40 miles one way), I think it might be out of the question.

I'm also still working on him about the miniature donkeys too. Unfortunately for him, I just discovered that they are a herd animal, so we would actually need to get 2 rather than 1 so they can keep each other company. According to Jeremy, donkeys are just mean. He cites his boss's "problem" as an example. His boss, Brian, has a donkey in his yard, and the donkey won't let him leave for work in the morning until Brian gives him a carrot. Jeremy believes this shows just how mean donkeys are. I believe it's just a loving pet wanting to say good morning! Even an add in this week's local shopper that had two donkeys for sale said that they make wonderful pets. Now who's more accurate? Jeremy or the local shopper?

And I'm not even asking for full-sized donkeys, but the miniature ones. I mean, how could you not want a few of these! Just look at them! They are the cutest things ever, so tiny and fluffy. Of course, Jeremy had to ask what I would do with them. I would train them, obviously. They could fetch the mail, do certain tricks--maybe I could even start a traveling donkey show and showcase all the neat tricks they can do. (If anyone has any ideas for neat donkey tricks, let me know. I really haven't come up with any, but having a few in mind might strengthen my argument). As usual Jeremy just shook his head. I think I might have been swaying him a little on the donkey issue--that was until he asked where we would keep them. I told Jeremy I have the perfect spot for them already. Our downstairs hallway. It's huge! I've provided an arial view for your own inspection, but as you can see, we could easily house 2, if not more, miniature donkeys in that thing. But no, Jeremy is also denying me the miniature donkey happiness too.

But I'm okay for now. I might have found a new source of happiness--one that's even more useless and unneccesary than golf carts and miniature donkeys. Fainting goats. . .

Bob the Skeleton

Somehow, I managed to suck Jeremy into the whole Halloween thing after all. Well, sort of. He got it into his head that we needed a rather large skeleton to display on the upstairs balcony. And that's how we ended up with Bob.

The week before Halloween, we were back in North Carolina--Jeremy for work, and I for my dissertation defense (I passed, I'm gonna graduate, woohoo!!). There were several stores I wanted to hit that we don't have down here, including World Market. I somewhat grumblingly convinced Jeremy to spend half a day shopping with me, but he was well rewarded. As soon as we walked through the World Market doors, there was Bob, a four foot tall plastic skeleton. Jeremy was immediately enamored, and we left the store with Bob in tow. Bob was then propped up in the back seat of the car, Bob was taken into our friends', Marc and Jen's, home, where he scared the crap out of their little girl, Maya, when she woke up in the morning, and to hide Bob, Jeremy then stuck him in bed with me while I was still sleeping--not exactly the most thrilling thing to wake up to.

I would say Bob came to his final resting place on the balcony once we got home, but that hasn't quite been the case (more on this later). However, Halloween night, he was proudly perched on the balcony, overlooking the stampede of trick or treaters. Yes, stampede! Neither Jeremy or I knew what to expect for Halloween. I thought I had bought way too much candy. I quickly realized how wrong I was!

Around 7 p.m., we had our first trick or treater, and the last around 9:30 p.m. It was a nice evening, so Jeremy and I decided we'd sit on the front porch and hand out candy. From about 7 to 7:30 p.m., it was a small but steady trickle. Then chaos! At one point, on top of the people walking, we had roughly 5 cars pulled up along our house. Plus, on the side of the house, a tractor pulling a hay bale-lined trailor with about 17 more children and all their parents pulled up. To top it off, a police officer was parked in his golf car near our house watching all the activity. It quickly became apparent that the $30 worth of candy I bought was not going to last the whole night.

In fact, by 8:30 p.m., almost all the candy was gone. Poor Jeremy was stuck running to Dollar General and the Piglet, clad in his fuzzy slilppers, where he joined a small horde of men whose wives had sent them on the same mission.

I was starting to feel a little guilty, though, because right after I frantically sent him out on the candy quest, the number of trick or treaters died down dramatically. Then, not one minute before he got back, I was mobbed again: one group of about 20 older kids trick or treating together and two more truckloads of kids--yes truckloads; they were all riding in the back end of the trucks. After another hour of this, they finally stopped coming. Once again, we were almost out of candy. At times, it was impossible to count all the kids, but we pretty much figured from what we could count that we had somewhere over 150 trick or treaters.

And this brings us back to Bob. Having spent the night delighting kids who walked up the sidewalk, it was no time to retire Bob for the year--or it should have been. Except that Jeremy discovered Bob's hidden potential. I came home from work earlier this week to find Bob dressed to go hunting, complete with hat and a rifle. On Wednesday, I bought Bob a santa hat. Yesterday I came home to find Bob dressed in the santa hat, a Nine Inch Nails t-shirt and my black, strappy high heels. I think Bob might be a little confused. On the other hand, this started my mind going. For President's Day, we can get Bob a beard, wig, and one of those tricorn hats. Valentine's day, some little cupid wings and a bow and arrow. Easter, bunny ears. . . The holiday possiblities for Bob are endless! I think for Christmas, I will dress him up some more, stick the antlers on the dogs, the little santa cap on the cat, and take a "family" photo for our Christmas card!