Relapse

I did it, and I'm not proud of myself. Today I went to Super Walmart. I really do have a valid explanation! You see, I had a list of a wide variety of items. Not a long list, but enought different things that I would have had to run to several different stores otherwise. I figured I could shoot in and be done within half an hour. WHAT WAS I THINKING!

The first problem is that we moved, and this "new" Super Walmart not only has a completely different layout than my old, but also a completely asinine layout. Not that this is exciting, but here was my shopping list: dog food, a shower curtain liner, shampoo and conditioner, printer paper, and soda. I spent 15 minutes trying to figure out where the shower curtains were. Near the bath/kitchen aisle? No. Near housewares? No. Near bedding. No. How about toward the front of the store near the seasonal aisle of coolers and picnicware? Yes! On to printer paper. This only took about 10 minutes of searching, and of course, the logical place for all office supplies is near the sporting goods and automotive sections.

Fortunately, the shampoo/conditioner aisle was in the same place. Unforturnately, it was being restocked by some sort of Walmart bouncer. I couldn't get around her, so I had to go back down the aisle and through the next aisle to get to the opposite end. Lucky me, my brand wasn't in this half of the aisle either. Where could it be? Obscured by the Walmart restocker/bouncer woman. I politely said excuse me. She huffed, gave a lovely disgruntled Walmart employee sigh, and snarled "Just a minute," as she continued to put bottles on the shelf. It was obvious that coming down off the little ladder only to get right back up again was more energy than she wished to expend, so she was going to finish what was left. Now, this wasn't a whole lot, but enought when you're stuck in the shampoo aisle. As most of you know, there's not a lot to look at in this aisle, though, for all it's worth, I did notice that White Rain and Herbal Essence Products have new bottles (don't ask me when they might have been redesigned). All said and done, another 10 minutes down the drain locating and waiting to get shampoo and conditioner.

As for the dog food, I could have kicked myself. Searched and searched for a pet aisle and could find no little hangy signs pointing the way. Given this store's layout, for all I new it could be next to the sewing aisles or maybe shoes. Nope, after another 10 minutes of wandering, I found it right down from the hair care products.

Of course, you may be wondering why I didn't just ask a Walmart employee where things were. I may be wrong, but this seems to be true of all large rambly stores: 1) When you need help, all store employees magically disappear or 2) If you finally find someone, they will be helping another person and stubbornly refuse to even acknowledge your presence until they finish speaking to that person (because of this, I once spent 20 minutes waiting to ask someone where plumber's putty was in Lowe's). There was the lovely bouncer woman, but she disappeared immediately after finishing her restocking. Plus, I think she actually would have ejected me from the store if I asked her a question.

I managed to quit smoking a few months ago, and haven't really craved cigarettes for a while. However, by the time I reached the checkout line it was all I could do to keep from buying a pack. Every line was full, every customer had an overflowing cart, and of course, no self check out lines or express lanes open. I finally settled on a line that only had two overflowing carts ahead of me. This just happened to be the line with the slowest checker-outer person ever. Dead people move faster than him. There weren't even any real magazines to look at, just tabloids (by the way, Jennifer Aniston is dating/having a baby/adopting a baby/being stalked by the new man she's dating/drinking water--the drinking water part I deduced on my own).

Finally, after 2o minutes, I am going to check out. Then slow-mo boy starts talking to me. Crap, now he's even slower. Seeing my dog food, he of course wants to know how many and what kind of dogs we have. This was not the problem, as it is the standard formality for people who have/love dogs (and the odd thing is we're always interested in the responses). The problem was the story he proceeded to relay. I will give you the summary version, but basically his dog always tried to play with baby chickens and killed them. What a lovely story with which to regale a perfect stranger in a checkout line!

So finally, I am home free, almost ready to cross into the parking lot, when lo and behold, someone says Ma'am from the side of the entryway. Crap! They're selling something that I don't want, but I tend to be overly polite. So, 10 more minutes wasted listening to the deal Walmart was running on subscriptions to the local paper. I don't want the local paper. It's a piece of crap. Also, why the hell is Walmart selling papers? I wish I could immediately say no to these people, but instead I end up stuck, trying to politely extricate myself. In my head, I'm really telling them to f*** off.

All said and done, my quick, half hour Walmart trip took me nearly two hours. Why did I do it? Why don't I learn? Pavlov had better luck with the dogs.