Mysterious Editors & Other Baffling Phenomena

Okay, so it's been a while.  I got sucked up into all sorts of projects and stuffs (and, okay, I have spent a good chunk of time just being lazy :P).  However, I've decided today is a good day for a rant.  I've been reading all sorts of books on my kindle lately, all of which claim to have an editor.  Some of them do, and some of them are quite good.  Most really don't.  Needless to say, I've started wondering about these mysterious editors, particularly considering the amount and sorts of errors and trite/awkward plot devices I've seen in self-published books.  I've come to refer to these errors as baffling phenomena simply because, at best, they make me scratch my head in amazed wonder (not the good sort) and at worst, I shudder in fascinated horror.

Mysterious Editors
I've spent a fair bit of time pondering these mysterious editors and come to many different conclusions, some of which are quite insightful, most of which are not so much.

1)  Never hire the monkey editors.  They still haven't managed to write Shakespeare, so it's doubtful they'll make the best editing choices either.  Same goes for your dog.  You may think you commune with your dog, but hand him a manuscript, and you'll quickly see what he actually thinks about your writing (trust me, I've tried.  Took forever to get all the little bits off the floor)

2)  Great, great aunt Gertrude may love you, but telling everyone that her beautiful niece/handsome nephew is just such a talented writer doesn't constitute good editing.  Especially if she forgot her bifocals when she read your manuscript and is trying to set you up on a date at the time.

3)  Throwing back whiskey or beer or fruity drinks with umbrellas at a bar with a group of friends--okay, that can be fun, but not if you're trying to get feedback on your manuscript.  Something seems to happen in between that first drink and say, oh, the tenth.  While the philosophical ramblings about your character's motivation, in between verses of "Mony, Mony," might seem profound at the time, you probably shouldn't have worked them into your story.  Especially that metaphor about life that involved putting skates on an elephant and riding it across Iceland.

4)  Unless your good friend actually is an editor, he or she is probably not going to be a good editor.  In fact, it's more likely that he or she will simply stuff your manuscript under the bed after shuffling it around the house for months.  That's only after using it as a coaster, floss to get little bits of food out of his/her teeth, a scratchpad near the phone, and a doorstop.  Finally, said friend will grow aggravated at continually moving the thing around the house, and voilà, it's collecting dust bunnies.  Five months later, you ask your friend what they thought, and he or she frantically tries to read the whole thing in two hours.  Consequently, they tell you "one word is misspelled on page 247, otherwise it's the best thing I've ever read!  Publish it now!"  I'm sorry to tell you, your friend lied.

5) The clerk at the local convenience store/grocery store/Wal-Mart is not a good choice for an editor, no matter how friendly the clerk might seem.  Here's a test for just how much help you might get from the clerk.  Take a six pack of import beer up to the counter.  

• If the clerk wishes he/she were old enough to buy beer, then no, not a good editor.  
• If the clerk scrunches their nose and says that his/her favorite beer is Natural Light/Old Milwaukee/Budweiser/Sam Adams, then no, not a good editor.  
• If the clerk says he or she's never heard of that beer, then no, not a good editor.  
• If the clerk asks what the beer tastes like, then gets baffled when you start describing/comparing it to other beers, then no, not a good editor.  
• If the clerk says they like said beer almost as much as (insert another import beer), then you might have found yourself an editor. 

This is a scientifically proven test with empirical evidence based solely on my beer preferences.  Trust me, this is the best way to find your own, personal clerk-editor.  

6)  Your astro-psychic-clairvoyant phone operator does not make a good editor.  She charges too much, so you'll just lose money once you publish your manuscript.  I owe mine $872, and I've yet to make any money on my manuscript.  However, she did foresee great things in my future. Or was it grate?  Not sure what the things are.  I hope it's not the window roller downer thingy my husband bought for the old Ford he's working on.  While it is a great thing, since I can now roll my window down, I was really hoping for something a little bigger so I could at least pay her bill.

I know I've barely addressed the numerous editor options many writers use, nor have I given any sort of useful advice, but I'm busy right now checking to see if the local crop duster has any feedback on my own manuscript.  For now, I'll move on to. . . 

Baffling Phenomena
I won't even get into the vast array of grammatical and mechanical errors like ending nonquestion sentences with a question mark, total oblivion regarding the hyphen, an inability to recognize compound words. . .because, well, it would be a bit boring.  However, I will address some of my favorites that I've come across.

1) Multiple personality disorder main character.  Sometimes the main character has one name, and sometimes the main character has another name.  The most baffling instance of this was when a female main character switched from a female name (Cara) to a male name (Kyle).  Needless to say, for a short period of time, I thought perspectives might have switched, and I was reading about an entirely different relationship.  Sadly, I did not come to love Cara/Kyle.  She/he were far more interesting in the plots I developed.  My favorite was zombie Cara/Kyle who bids on and wins Lady Gaga's meat dress for her date with Tad Hamilton.  Both only have eyes for the ribeye and spend the night slowly grilling Cara/Kyle's dress until they look deeply into each others' eyes. . .and then Cara/Kyle devours Tad, picking her teeth with the bones.  Well, she is a zombie. . .

2) Horrendously trite/illogical/biologically incorrect plots.  I'll sum up my recent favorite (yes, I read the whole book just because it was such a train wreck).  

• First, the main character suffers from amnesia (I haven't decided whether amnesia beats the flashback yet or not).  
• Then, while trying to unravel the mystery of what happened to her, in events unconnected to the main plot, she is stalked and her former best friend's husband (no, she doesn't remember the best friend) hates her.  Both of these subplots are built up.  She makes a phone call, and both are suddenly solved!  Hooray for the phone call resolution!  Yes, have hope!  If someone hates you, just make a phone call!  That person is just waiting to embrace you and be your best friend.  What?  You only heard a stream of swear words and then were hung up on when you called?  Inconceivable!  According to various plot lines, you should have a new BFF!  
• On top of that, the whole reason for the amnesia and her family fleeing and living in hiding is because her father never reported the self-defense killing of a schizophrenic man.  
• But wait!  I don't know if you know this or not, but if you have unprotected sex, the very next day you'll have morning sickness and know you're pregnant!  
• Cue happy ending because you now have your memory back, you are married to the gorgeous man who waited around for you for four years after you disappeared on him, you are having a baby, your parents are dead, the mentally unbalanced biological father you never knew you had is dead, your stalker's in jail, and you've just discovered your parents lied to you your entire life!  But you're so happy!

 3) Wonderfully inappropriate word choices/spellings.  I'll share three of my absolute favorites from the past week.

• all be it.  Yes, someone actually wrote and published a book with all be it rather than its better known pseudonym albeit.  I really have nothing more on that one.

• sour kraut.  Being a good, German girl, initially, I was horrified.  But then my mind started going.  Suddenly, I was imagining Fra Sour Kraut, the stern, aging spinster.  She'd had love once, but Herr Brat Worst walked out on her when she refused to compromise her principles.  Unexpectedly, Colonel Mustard walks into her life, and before she knows it, her heart is opening up again.  Just as Mustard's on the verge of proposing, Herr Brat Worst walks back into her life, begging for her forgiveness!  Who will she choose?  How will she choose?  Will she be happy with a condiment when she could have the whole sausage?

•  wonton.  Unfortunately, when describing a sexually alluring and open woman, that is not the correct word.  Instead, I was left imagining the main character fried and dunked in duck sauce.  I wondered, briefly, if a person could wrap themselves in a wonton bow.  Then I got hungry for crab rangoons and Szechuan Chicken.

Alright, by now you've probably picked apart my own writing.  I apologize in advance for all of the errors.  Right now, I'm just too lazy to edit myself.  I tried to hire an editor, but perhaps Comic-Con is not the appropriate venue in which to seek an editor either.  I really did have higher expectations for Wonder Woman.