Shopper Delight

Every Tuesday, free in the mail, comes the local shopper for area counties. While you may wonder why I am so delighted when shopper Tuesday comes, never fear, for I will soon enlighten you, and you also will wonder at the shopper's marvels. Now, keep in mind, I am only drawing from the last 4 weeks of shoppers. This means you missed out on the racing pigeons that were for sale for many weeks. I have no clue what racing pigeons are, and let me tell you, I was incredibly sad when that ad disappeared from the shopper--I had completely missed my opportunity to own a (or a pair? Do they actually race?) of racing pigeons.

The following delights were in the shopper for August 25.

FOR SALE: mallard & black magestic ducks $10.00 each, guinea pigs $10.00 each, rabbits $10.00 each. call after 4 p.m.

Now, I can understand selling ducks--duck, after all, is incredibly tasty. I also know some people like to eat rabbit. But Guinea Pigs? I have no idea. I certainly hope no one is eating Guinea Pigs. I'm not quite sure what the man was doing with all those different animals anyway or how he decided that Guinea Pigs would be a profitable venture.

FOR SALE: Young, jack donkey.

I have no idea what a jack donkey is (possibly just a male donkey?). I have no idea what use there is for a donkey. But for some reason, I would really like a donkey. I don't know why. Probably just because I find it incredibly odd that in every single weekly shopper, there is someone either selling or wanting to buy a donkey. So now I think I should also have a donkey. Jeremy didn't seem overly fond of the idea though, nor did he appreciate my humor when I mentioned that the hallways in our house are big enough to house a donkey.

FOR SALE: I have goats, call for details and prices.

Really, there was nothing out of the ordinary in this ad. I just found it humorous how quick he was about his ad. He has goats. It sort of sounded like some odd affliction for which he needed rapid antibiotics. I also like the fact that he doesn't bother to mention what kind of goats they are, how old they are, etc. Maybe it's some sort of weird game where you get a discount if you can guess the particulars about his goats.

FOR SALE: TY Beanie Babies and NASCAR Collectibles.

I cannot begin to describe the appeal of this ad. Beanie Babies that went out of fashion over a decade ago! And NASCAR crap! Like I said, can't even begin to describe the appeal.

FOR SALE: Dog, a good guard dog, and very friendly.

Ummm, just what I always wanted--a friendly guard dog. I'm sure that will keep the intruders away. If they're afraid of being licked or of tail waggings.

FOR SALE: Many items, some good, some not so good, needs work, car parts, bricks, and much more.

Oh, so many things here. At least the person is honest and basically says that he's selling crap. I'm not sure what exactly he's selling though that needs work. Maybe he needs work? And if car parts and bricks are the best of his items for sale. . .

NOTICE: Will the man who was looking at a car I have please call . . .

I would venture a guess that the man has no desire to actually buy the car.

FOR SALE: 1968 M151 A1 Willys military jeep. Excellent mechanical condition. Fording kit. Machine gun mount. Radio and antenna (for display). Two tops. Various other spare parts.

Okay, this man is especially proud that his military jeep has a machine gun mount, but I have no clue as to why a machine gun mount would be a special draw. I'm chalking this one up as a man thing, and hoping whoever bought it does not have a machine gun to mount to it.

FOR SALE: Rodeo Equipment. 1 set chaps, 1 vest, 1 helmet, 1 bull rope. Will sell individually or together.

What can I say? Other than I so tried to get Jeremy to buy this ensemble for himself! hehe.


Moving on to the shopper from September 1.

FOR SALE: I have a boat, call for details.

I'm very glad the man has a boat, but I really don't want to know about his boat.

FOR SALE: Men's nice Summer suits, size 32-34, $5.00 per suit.

Sigh. Once again, I tried to get Jeremy to call on this one, and he refused. Picky, picky! How could you go wrong with a $5 suit!

FOR SALE: Goats, sheep, roosters, baby chicks, Peacocks, hens, guineas and large GE freezer.

Given the list of things for sale, I was not expecting it to end with a GE freezer. I guess that's so you can store all the meat after you. . . well, you get the point.

FOR SALE: 6 month old Bumble Foot, gray stag and pullet game chickens.

I have no idea what a Bumble Foot, gray stag is, but I'm sure I want one!

FOR SALE: 1987 Chevy Silverado dually, $3500; also 3 mounted deer heads $100, $75 and $50.

Oh, I so must have the deer heads to line my hallways! What decor! I'm not quite sure why each one is priced differently. I sense a little deer discrimination going on here.

FREE BED AND BREAKFAST: I will buy your breakfast if you will come get this Futon frame bed.

Well, at least he's original. Not sure why he doesn't just haul it to the dump, but hey.


So the previous week's shopper had a slightly disappointing variety of odd things for sale compared to most. Thus, I eagerly anticipated the shopper on September 8.

FOR SALE: E machine computer monitor, keyboard and mouse $75; Gateway computer monitor $20, black spider ???? $75 . . .

Ummm, we have a lot of spiders too, and we don't know what they are either. Can I sell them for $75 apiece?

WANTED: I am looking for goats to buy, also grown female Boston Terrier, also Miniature Jack Donkey.

I do not want to know why this person wants all these things. But, I have uncovered a new obsession--a miniature donkey would be much cooler than a regular old donkey! Thus, I have begun persuasion techniques (amazingly unsucessfully at this point) to convince Jeremy we must get a miniature Jack donkey.

YARD SALE: September 5th through Sept. 12 at in Abbeville, GA. left no address.

I have to chalk this one up to the best waste of paper and the worst attended yard sale ever.

FOR SALE: A horse, make me an offer.

Once again, an add filled with lush details about the sale "item."

FOR SALE: Ducks $7 each, have Mallards, Black Magestics, Indian Runners; Grown rabbits $7 each; Grown Guinea Pigs $7 each. Buy in bulk and recieve a discount, serious callers only.

Apparently, this person has now realized the futility in trying to sell ducks, rabbits, and guinea pigs, for prices have come down 30%. I also had to wonder at the people buying "bulk" ducks, rabbits, and guinea pigs. What exactly does one do with them in bulk? I also had to wonder how many "nonserious" callers he had they he felt the need to specify.

Finally, and I know you're also sorely disappointed, the last shopper from September 15.

FOR SALE: Air compressor, also 2 horses, mother and son, and 1964 Ford.

I certainly hope he wasn't just cleaning out the garage.

FOR SALE: I am looking for a new or used casette player.

Umm, did this person sleep through the past few decades?

FOR SALE: 1970 model 14 ft. campter, $200.

I thought this was an absolute steal! Jeremy, on the other hand, poo-pooed the idea of this purchase, mumbling something about "do you know how bad that thing would smell?"

FOR SALE: 1990 full size, Blue Bird school bus, that has been converted to a camper. It has a full size bath with tradition house fixtures, kitchenette area, heat and air, carpet on floor, does not run, will need to be towed or pulled . . . must see to appreciate.

I didn't have to see this one to appreciate it! Again, Jeremy did not share my appreciation, so, I am sad to inform you that we will not be purchasing the immobile, yet fully decked out, Blue Bird camper.

FOR SALE: 8 year old quarter horse, Bay mare, English saddle and bridle included, $750, call Mojo Stephens.

How exactly does one come by the name Mojo?

FOR SALE: ECTC books, also hamster, books and accessories.

Okay, selling your college books, I can understand, but your hamster?

FOR SALE: Little girls pink John Deere boots, size 9, paid $65 on Christmas, asking only $20?

First, pink John Deere boots? Second, $65 for a pair of pink John Deere boots?

FOR SALE: 14 kt gold Marquis diamond wedding set with 6 diamond wrap band, valued $1800, sacrifice for $800 obo, worn only one month.

Sacrifice? I'm guessing she really wanted to hurl the thing into a lake.

FOR SALE: Tatoo gun with foot controlled motor, all for $250.

Don't you have to have some sort of licensing to do tatoos? Let's just say, mixing rednecks, moonshine, and a tatoo gun does not seem like a good idea.

FOR SALE: 2 Livingroom Chairs. Very good and very cheap one. Pellet gum, practically new.

I definitely think I can pass on the "practically new" pellet gum. I'm assuming he meant pellet gun, but one can never be too sure around here.

FOR SALE: Evenflo select double breast pump. Automatic cylcking. Like new, used for 2 weeks. . .

I don't think I really have to say anything here beside ewwwwwwwwwwwww.


So brings us to the end of the past month's wonderful shopper sales. But don't be disappointed! Instead, eagerly anticipate the next round of delights in October!

Front Porch Views

Okay, so I was sort of worried that moving to a small town would be incredibly boring. It's not just that we moved to a small town, but one that has one stoplight and roughly 1000 people (they say 2000, but Jeremy and I are both pretty sure they're including the local prison population), it has a Piglet--no, not a Piggly Wiggly, but the store is actually called Piglet, as it is nowhere near big enough to be a full sized Piggly Wiggly--and is, at minimum, 20 miles from the nearest bigger town. On the plus side, we can head north, east, west, and south and hit one of these towns within 30 minutes. On the downside, that also means the major shopping venue in any of these directions is Wal-Mart (and you know how much I love Wal-Mart).

However, I have to say, life has been far from dull since moving to this town. I will now detail just a few of the things witnessed from our front porch. First, there are the cruising rednecks. These are the guys who have extremely large and loud trucks. I am not sure what they are doing or where they are going, but apparently, it's a huge sign of status to be seen endlessly driving around the town in a truck (frequently camouflage in color) that could easily run over most cars and that can be heard for several miles in any direction. A further status booster, apparently, is when they see a woman and rev their engines even louder. I'm fairly certain half the cruising was trying to scope out the women's rehab center across the street from us. Especially on hot summer days when they get into bikinis and hop into a kiddie pool (or at least they used to--more on that later). I'm also fairly certain that half the men who drive by the center think that it might be some sort of brothel or bordello or something, the way they all slow down and stare, often turning around to repeat (and oh does this ever add to the redneck charm). I'm pretty sure, though, that the women delighted in this misconception, since, much to the annoyance of the older and vastly more religious members in the community, they hung a bright red blanket in the front window as a curtain.

Now, you may think that dogs could never be entertaining. However, there are a large number of incredibly entertaining dogs roaming around the town. The first is the dog I watched spend most of an afternoon sprinting up and down the sidewalk in front of our house. I was completely baffled. First he'd go sprinting by in one direction, only to return again in 5 or 10 minutes. He repeated this process for almost 2 hours. Finally, Jeremy came out, and I asked him what the heck the dog was doing. According to Jeremy, the dog races after his owner's truck--anywhere the owner goes, the dog runs after. Of course, the first thing that popped into my head was why didn't the owner just put the dog in the truck to begin with? The next thing was what in the world is the owner doing driving up and down the street nonstop? My only conclusion was he was checking out the women at the rehab center.

Then there is Penny. Jeremy calls Penny Jack's (our 12 year-old lab rottweiler mix) girlfriend. Penny is pretty old and basically doesn't bend her back legs when she walks. So, she's very easy to identify, even at blocks away, when she's walking at night. And, everytime she walks by the house, Jack's ears perk up, and he often makes a little whiny noise. We have no clue what Penny's purpose is either, but every night, she slowly (and I mean slowly) ambles down the street (she doesn't usually bother with the sidewalks, and she'll make it across the road whenever she finally feels like it, which often means if there is no traffic, she just meanders down the middle of the road). Basically, I think she goes to the convenience store right down the road, then just ends up turning around and heading back home in the same, slow, stiff-legged walk.

Then, there's Scruffs, the dog the rehab center across the street adopted. Scruffs likes a lot of attention and does not like many other dogs in his territory (pretty much anywhere within a certain radius of the center). So, at night, when all have gone to bed, Scruffs barks, and barks some more. And when another dog encroaches on her territory, Scruffs barks and barks. This has tamed down since the "untimely" departure of the man who ran the center, but I think that's mostly because they never got Scruffs fixed and Scruffs went out and got herself "fixed." So, she's incredibly large and not so much into barking at the moment.

It's not just dogs trotting along the sidewalks though. I still find this incredibly bizarre, but at least once a week, a father and his two sons come trotting down the sidewalk on their horses. All you hear for blocks is the clip clop sound of the hooves, then, one by one, they all ride by--the father in front, then the oldest son, then the younger son on his little pony. On one particular night, Jeremy and I watched them trot past, making the usual comments about just how odd that still seemed. Roughly 5 minutes later, we hear a horse making a fuss. Suddenly, riderless, the pony comes galloping down the sidewalk, followed by the father who had quickly scooped up his youngest son and then the older son. We never did learn what had happened, but we had to chuckle a bit (though it probably wasn't the family selling it) when in the next shopper an ad appeared for a pony for sale (oh, and the Tuesday night shopper has been a source of pure delight! Soon, I will post a blog for this month's best ads so you also can marvel and delight in the variety of things for sale in our area).

Then, there was the morning we woke up to a parking lot full of flashing police lights at the center across the street. We soon found out that the co-owner and the man who ran the women's portion of the center (the men's was in another town) had gotten a wee bit upset when his new wife (a recovering alcoholic) got drunk and pulled over for a DUI. Now this particular man is also a recovering alcoholic, so his rational response, as sole authoritarian at a women's rehabilitation center? To go on a bender of his own and, supposedly, strip all his clothes off. So now, the women's center has much stricter rules (no more kiddie tub) and is much quieter than it used to be. And, the co-owner is back in rehab himself.

Probably the most annoying thing, though, is the rooster. Jeremy and I have no idea where in town the rooster is actually located, but we can only surmise that he is both blind and deaf. It doesn't matter what time of day it is, the rooster is crowing. At dawn, he crows. In the middle of the afternoon, he crows. 9 at night, he crows. I even woke up one night around 3 am, and yes, the damn thing was crowing. I'm thinking it's about time to have some chicken for supper.