Feeling Grinchy

With fundage being a little short this year, I just can't seem to get into the holiday spirit. Jeremy and I now own three houses, and let's just say this was not what we planned when we talked about eventually investing in real estate! We just recently closed on our dream house, a 50k (yes, that's 50k!), 4000+ square foot Victorian built sometime around the turn of the century. We can't move into it, though, until we get a few things fixed, particularly the fact that it has no heating or air even. That brings us to house number 2, the one we need and are currently living in (also the one that, since it is the end of the semester, has become somewhat, um, messy. That might be an understatement considering I walked in the door from work the other night and Jeremy said, "It's the queen of the dump!"). Then, there's the most expensive house, the pain in the butt and wallet house in North Carolina that STILL hasn't sold. Needless to say, it's going to be a rather meager Christmas, and we won't be able to travel back home :( So, I am having a hard time getting in a Christmas mood. And let's just say all the pre-holiday commercialism hasn't helped either. I do not like to buy Halloween candy, turn around in the aisle and then see Christmas candy. And I won't even get into the Christmas commercials airing on tv in the middle of October.

However, all our neighbors seem well into the holiday spirit: houses decorated, lights strung, trees glimmering in the windows. The Christmas penis has made it's appearance again at our next door neighbor's house. Well, it's not really, but that's what I call it. They have this roughly 4 foot tall, 5 inch circumference lamp post in their yard that stands away from the house and the nicely lit shrubberies. The light doesn't work, but for some reason, they always feel the need to string lights up it around the holidays. Consequently, at night, it looks like, well. . .

Sadly, the neighbor across the street was evicted. Last year, right before Christmas, he purchased roughly 20 crappy, old bathtubs (no, that is not an exaggeration) from an apartment complex that was going to be torn down (another one of his brilliant money making plans, you can probably see why he ended up evicted). Yes, all 20 of them ended up scattered across his driveway and yard. It was all I could do to keep myself from stringing lights on them and buying an inflatable doll to stick in one. Sadly, with his eviction, I will not get to see what this year's "Christmas" decorations might have been.

I thought about putting decorations up in our house, but it just seems like so much work. Last night, I was contemplating getting them out of our storage unit after the semester ended and at least making it seem a little more like Christmas. Then I looked around the living room and realized there was nowhere to put the tree. A 90 gallon aquarium and stand now occupy the one spot that was available last year. No, the tank has no water and no fish. In fact, we can't even fill it because we need to order a piece so water doesn't leak out of it. Upon further contemplation, I have decided that this might actually be a good thing. With no water in it, I can cheerfully hang lights and all sorts of Christmas decorations on it. So, I believe this year instead of a Christmas tree, we will have a Christmas aquarium.

This brings us to Christmas gifts. Since we cannot really spend, well, any money on Christmas presents this year, I have decided to take a different approach to gift giving. No I will not be making anything (this should be a relief to most, as my sewing skills are limited to sewing buttons back on clothes, and you already know how cooking things turns out). Since I cannot buy presents that people would actually want, and since I cannot make anything at all (unless you would like a soda can tab necklace), I am going to send people gifts that they would absolutely never want. Below, you will find images of the delightful presents from which you can choose, as well as a lovely description of each gift:

The carrot pen magnet is versatile and multifunctional. It is streamlined and sleek with a lovely orange body. You can stick it on the fridge and watch the crowds gather round to look at this beauty! If you select this gift, you will be the envy of all friends and family!

Ever wondered if Santa pooped? Wonder no more with this delightful candy pooping Santa! Smells and tastes great! It also makes a beautiful addition to your holiday decorations. You will be astonished by the compliments you receive and be the envy of all when you add this ergonomically correct Santa to your mantleplace! Also comes in pooping reindeer, pooping polar bear and pooping frosty the snow man versions. Candy poop refills are sold separately.

I know everyone has asked, "What does a pickle sound like when it yodels?" With this beautifully green gift, all questions are answered! Simply press the button and feel like you've been transported to the Swiss Alps. Want a little variety in music this holiday season? The yodelling pickle is light, compact and portable. Take it with you in the car, take it to the office Christmas party, or even the opera, as it will rival even the best Soprano's vocal quality. You can even add a little flavor to the ho-hum holiday songs and take it carolling. The expressions on homeowner's faces as you carol at their door will not disappoint!

You might recognize this gorgeous item from that timeless holiday classic, A Christmas Story. But this exquisite piece goes far beyond the simplistic model found in the movie. Not only do you get the leg lamp, but also it is an inflatable outdoor decoration! Now, you too can get a leg up on holiday decorating and share this spiritual inspiration with your entire neighborhood!

What could be a more exciting gift to open on Christamas morning than the fabulous meat shower curtain! Hungry when you wake up? Head to the shower and take a deep sniff of the . . . plastic aroma. Better than the real the real thing, the meat shower curtain will not rot. But, if you prefer longer cured meat, just let it age and grow mildew!

Finally, the gift for those who have everything! Search no more, but immediately stake your claim on the this extraordinary collection of Venereal Disease Plushies! Want Chlaymdia or the Clap without the hassle of sex and Dr. visits? Then this is definitely the gift for you! This collection of four beautiful STDs comes with an added benefit: you can even keep one for yourself and share the others with your closest friends! Plush STDs, the gift that keeps on giving!



Now that you've seen the exceptional list of Christmas presents no one would ever want, make your selection carefully! Furthermore, supplies are limited, so make sure you get your request in early! I would hate to disappoint you all this holiday season. Oh! There are only 3 Venereal Disease Plushy sets left now!

Lecture Time

Apparently, Jeremy got tired of my "unconventional" parking methods. When I got home from my conference, there was a bobber hanging from fishing line on my side of the garage. I was told that all I had to do was pull up so that it touched the windshield, and I would be nicely parked.

Just a few days ago, we're driving down the road, and Jeremy decides to discuss my parking problem. Frequently, I don't quite get all the way in the garage, and the door bends as it goes over the tire on the back of my Isuzu. I carefully explained to him that this was not my fault, as the garage is miniscule. I mean really, there's maybe 3 foot of space leftover once I park in it. So this parking problem is obvioulsy not my fault. Of course, I informed him of this fact.

For some reason, he decided to launch into a lecture about my driving skills. First, of course, there was the speeding ticket this summer. I can't help it. I don't like to go slow. I also didn't figure this was the best time to tell him that, while going nearly 70 the other day, a cop turned around and followed me (didn't pull me over, but I was a bit worried!). Then, he decides to critique my driveway problems. He is always irritated that, most of the time, when I'm pulling into the driveway, I drive over the grass. I'm not sure why he even bothers with this one anymore. I've always done this. It will never change. Well, it could, but then I'd have to pull into the driveway slowly. And this I explained to him. You see, I'm a very courteous driver, and I don't want to slow people behind me down. Therefore, I turn rather rapidly into the driveway, which means I drive over grass. I told him this and that there was an easy fix to this problem: just make the ends of the driveway flare out more. He simply looked at me and said "You give me a headache."

So we're driving along again, and I step on the accelerator to speed up. This leads to a brand new lecture about the way I stomp on the accelerator and gas effeciency. Setting him straight, I explained how this was not me, but actually the car. Fortunately for me, the car does need a major tune-up, so he willingly accepted this response and dropped the matter. Well, until he drove it himself a few days later and figured out that it was, in fact, me stomping on the accelerator to speed up. My response: "Well, that excuse worked for a little while."

Continuing our drive, something else came up. I'm sure it was something else he "felt" I was doing wrong (sigh, I have no idea where he comes up with all these ideas that I do things wrong). I made some comment, and he just looked at me. You know that "what the hell goes through your mind" look. So I asked him what the look was for. His response: "It's the same look I've been giving you since the day I met you." Hehe. I think it was better left unsaid that there would never be a need to retire that look.