Lowfat Cookies

I decided to alter a pudding cookie recipe into a lowfat version. I made all the appropriate substitutions and was very pleased with myself.

I baked the cookies and was anticipating a yummy treat to appease my junk food cravings. Then I took them out of the oven. Somehow, they had a developed an odd, springy, spongy consistency. When you pushed down on one, it sprang right back up, much like you would like your mattress to do. In fact, I'm pretty sure I could market this as a stress reliever tool, for no matter how you squished and mashed them, they seemed to return to their original form.

So, I tried to feed them to Jeremy. Maybe they weren't so bad. He took one bite and just stared at me. Then he stared at the cookie, poked his finger into it, watched it pop back up, and returned to staring at me. I'm not sure he even made any comment this time (yes, I have fed him way too many of my experiments), but just gave it to the dogs.

On the plus side, the dogs found them delicious!

Those who have no blogs. . .

Should not throw stones. Hehe.

Jeremy says I write too much about him in my blog, and I am only giving one side of the story.

Okay, yes, I did leave the basket of easter candy on the coffee table after we got Audrey, despite the fact he might have mentioned it was a bad idea. But it was my first dog, what did I know. . . Besides, he could have been a little more emphatic about it.

Other than that, I'm a perfect angel, and everything he might say (such as if he happens to leave a comment) is completely inaccurate. Everyone knows that, for the sake of household peace, the woman is always right.

Life

Tonight, I sit contemplating the meaning of life. Okay, I'm done.


What? You were expecting some great revelation? You should know better by now!

Having children

As Jeremy and I approach the age of parenthood (okay, so we have long ago and are really just big kids ourselves), I started to think about motherhood and all it entails. Suddenly, I realized that if I looked back on our pets, I could be in some serious trouble with real children:

2000: We get our first dog, Audrey. I leave a basket of Easter candy (mostly chocolate) on a coffee table thinking, "why would a dog want chocolate?" Audrey eats all the candy. We spend over an hour trying to force feed pepto bismol tablets to Audrey, watching as she continually projects them, at a very high velocity, straight into the air. Audrey has a lot of diarreah.

2001: We get the new housetrained dog Jack. Jack doesn't like us. Jack pees on everything in five minute incruments. We put Jack outside for 1 hour. Jack comes in and pees on the chair. We put Jack outside for two hours. Jack comes in and pees on the magazine rack. We put Jack out. . . You get the picture.

2002: A bottle of Ibproferin is left on the end table. Audrey bites it open and eats it all. I call the vet, and they say I must feed her a mixture of hydrogen peroxide mixed with mustard. I hang up and call the vet back in about 3 minutes. They say, "you got it down her already?" I say, "Yes, I just sat the bowl in front of her." They say, "Oh. You must have a lab." I spend the next two days cleaning up dog vomit.

2003: I go to the grocery store and take my dogs for a ride. As usual, I open the back to load my groceries. Jack suddenly decides he should go for a stroll. Jack is a big dog. Jack's weight opens the automatic doors at the grocery store and in he goes. Everyone else is scared of Jack, so no one will help me catch him, as he makes a bee-line for the meat department. Luckily, I snagged him, but then no one will help me get him back in the car. You try getting a stubborn, 1oo pound dog back in a car by yourself! One end in, other end out, push, push. Nothing. 30 minutes and one large snack later, we all finally go home. No more trips to the grocery store for the dogs!

2004: Audrey eats lipstick. Audrey looks at me with her mouth open. Not so pretty on a dog!

2005: Dogs escape! The worst scenario ever! I spend three days frantically searching for the mutts. Where are they? A couple miles down the road begging to get into someone else's house!

2006-7: Pretty tame so far, ecept for the small tub of plumber's putty Jack ate.

So, basically, as long as a child doesn't remember anything before they are six or seven, I think we should be fine!

My sick and twisted sense of humor

I was watching tv the other night, and this commercial came on for "Kids Bop 999" or something like that. Basically, it's a compilation cd of kids singing current top 40 (at least I assume they're top 40--haven't heard most of them before) songs. My thoughts were, if the songs were clean enough for kids to begin with, why not just compile them? What's the point of having kids sing their own version? Nevermind the fact it sounded horrid.

Then of course, my mind turned. Why not record a "Kids Bop Punk" album? Who could resist a chorus of sing-songy kids enchanting adults with such classic tunes as "I Wanna Be Sedated," by the Ramones, or "No Feelings" by the Sex Pistols. Sprinkle with a little Fugazi. Maybe throw in some more commercialized groups/songs like Green Day's "Longview." I say instant hit!

From there, we must do "Kids Bop Metal." This will include such classic metal as Danzig's "Twist of Cain," Slayer's "Season's in the Abyss," and Metallica's "Sanitarium." Of course, not wanting to forget the contemporary, we must throw in some Lincoln Park, Disturbed, and maybe a little Korn. The perfect stocking stuffer!

I realize this is going to create a sensation, so I'm making sure to get my patent/copyright (whatever it is you need to rerecord music with kids) in right now. Those of you who want to stay up to date with productions should definitely make sure you contact me asap--this is one phenomenon you don't want to miss out on!

Also, stay tuned for "Kids Bop Emo" later this year.