Purse Hell

It all started because I needed to replace the purse I've been using for the past 4 years.  Yes, I know, many women love purses.  I don’t understand purses.  Is it a recessive gene thing that just never surfaced?  All I wanted was one, small, black purse with a couple of small compartments I could shove the cards I carry and my cell into.  I don't need anything big because there's not a lot I carry with me.  Half the time, I just shove my cards in my back pocket and go.  

I began my foray into the nightmarish world of purses with a sampling of various sites that sell them.  Little did I know what I was getting into. For example, on Zappos.com, there was one section devoted to Bags and Handbags.  Okay, simple enough.  I click the link and suddenly there were like 50 more links!  How many “bags” does a person actually need?  Their heading, once you get into the “Bags & Handbags” section, is: “Bags & Handbags: It’s like having an extra set of hands.”  Really?  That just sounds creepy.  Now I’m imagining some sort of alien hand, sort of like the “baby” in Alien, exploding out of a purse waving my debit card around at a store.  Or maybe it’s Thing from The Addams Family jumping out and skittering around my car.

 

The first could be very bad, especially if it eviscerated people.  I’m not sure how you apologize for that one—“I’m sorry, my extra set of hands seems to be on a murderous rampage today.  I guess I should have brought the bag with the Hamburger Helper hand instead. Let me help you with those intestines.”  The second might be kind of fun, since Thing just kind of trotted around doing his (or is Thing a girl?) own thing.  Maybe I could freak people out enough that the one checkout line open at Wal-Mart would clear out so I could get through faster. 

But I digress, back to the categories.  Holy crap!  Just on Zappos, there were 5 subcategories under Bags & Handbags: Bags, Handbags, Travel Bags, Outdoor Bags, and Wallets.  And it was the same at every site I visited—mind-boggling purse & bag categories.  Who knew?  Where to start?  I scanned through all of the types under each category.   A hydration pack?  A Lumbar pack?  What in the heck were those?  My curiosity got the better of me, and I had to click the links.  Hmm, the hydration pack definitely did not fit my definition of a bag and was really not very interesting at all.

Here’s the hydration pack, basically a fanny pack that holds two water bottles.  As if the fanny pack wasn’t bad enough.  I guess I could see a use for this if I were athletic.  But I’m not.  The only place I’d have to wear this would be in my walk to the mailbox or to my car, and I’m pretty sure neither requires two bottles of water for the trip.  Plus, this ugly thing costs $42!!!  I think I’ve just discovered my new get rich scheme.  I’ll just buy a bunch of cheap fanny packs, attach some cheap cupholders, drink the water out of some Perrier bottles, and voila!  With the Perrier bottles, people will look cultured while wearing their hydration packs, so I think I could sell them for at least $50.  For a measly $800 and the ultimate hydration pack couture and sophistication, I’ll drink two bottles of Dom Perignon and pop them in (hey, somebody has to offset the cost of the Dom I’m drinking).   

Then there was the lumbar pack.  No details were really given, except for the features.  Apparently, this little beauty lets you “ditch” the hydration pack.  I spent (wasted) far too much time studying the lumbar pack (okay, so it was only about 2 minutes, but still. . . ), the only thing I could determine was that 1) it had completely enclosed compartments for the water bottles and 2) it was yet another fanny pack, only this one sold for a mere $55.  I thought about devising another get rich scheme, but really, when you’ve developed one fanny/hydration/lumbar pack, you’ve pretty much designed too many.

My venture into the world of purses, so far, had been a miss.  While they may be clumped into the purse and bag category, my initial explorations simply did not fit into my view of a purse.  Never a quitter, I soldiered on, valiantly clicking links for hobos (apparently not a homeless, migrant type with a handkerchief bundle on a stick hopping the rails), satchels, clutches, evening bags, totes, shoulder bags, fabric bags, leather bags, occasion bags, messenger bags. . .  Sigh.  No one seemed to be selling the bag I was really looking for, the barf bag. What they were selling was a huge selection of really ugly, really expensive "bags."  The fact that someone actually designed and sold these bags for astronomical prices astounded me.  I found myself wondering if a person actually needed to know how to sew in order to be a designer because, if not, I felt pretty sure I could whip up 100s of designs over a weekend.  And, given the high ratings many of these bags had, there actually were people out there (color blind or just plain blind) who would buy them!  All I would need would be a $10 investment in a few art supplies, then when people ask me what I do, I could say "I design handbags."  Maybe I could get my mom to make them-- after all, she was the only reason I passed the sewing part of home ec in high school. 

I decided, after looking at page after page of purses, that I should really share some of the best.  So, without further ado, here are some of my absolute favorite finds.

Amerileather Multicolor Kaleidoscope Tote: $63.99 

Yay!  Only $64 for, well, a gaudy, plastic colored disc covered purse.  Supposedly, it's actually made out of leather.  Somewhere, a cow is screaming for vengeance.  This little number is for the "girl" (for some reason, purse descriptions like to appeal to girls and not women--my guess is because "girls" are more likely to make really stupid choices, like spending $64 on some child's art project) whose really into Joseph's Technicolor Dreamcoat, but can't actually afford the coat.  Or possibly the girl who always wanted a purse that looks like some bizarro fish coughed up its scales on it.  Hint: if you take a spoon to it, the scales'll pop right off.




Jessica Simpson 'Ruffle Me' Tote Handbag: $59.99

Where are the ruffles?  I see no ruffles.  What I do see is snakeskin.  Yep, the description confirmed it.  This delight's color is natural python, and it's made of pvc.  Nothing says high style like slinging a fake snakeskin purse (with no apparent ruffles) over your shoulder.  Now, I might be the only one, but snakes pretty much make me scream and run in the opposite direction, especially when they're hanging out of one of my dog's mouths.  Also, I'll just chalk this one up to Simpson's confusion: tuna=chicken, ruffles=snakes.






Ed Hardy 'Jolly Roger Anna' Tote Bag: Today $58.99

Nothing says pirate like swords, cannons, eye patches, and . . . a sequined purse with a "tattoo."  Even better is that you can also get it in gold lamé.  Would this make me look cool on Talk Like a Pirate Day?  And what the heck is a Jolly Roger Anna?  Was it supposed to be Jolly Pollyanna?  That would be a completely different thing, plus, she wasn't so jolly after she was paralyzed when she fell out of the tree.




Dolce and Gabbana Floral Print Canvas Tote Bag: $533.99 

Really?  $534 for something that looks like a horrendous, 1960s style couch upholstery?  Crap.  I really need to hit the thrift stores fast.  You can pick up whole couches there for really cheap and just strip the upholstery off them.  Who knew they could be such a goldmine!  And stupid me, I just gave my wealth away in college every time I moved and couldn't find a truck to borrow.  I better get on facebook and see if I can find the one roommate I bailed on after she quit paying rent (yes, it's always easier just to move out on a bad roommate than to kick them out).  To think I just left all that furniture there!  I'm so kicking myself now.






'Joyrider': $154.99

What is that thing stuck to the side of this purse?  I think it's a bunny head.  Or maybe an albino pig.  What woman--excuse me, girl--would want to carry a polka dotted monstrosity with a head popping off the front?  And look at the way it stares at you!  The eyes just follow you around the room.  You think you've escaped, and bam, you turn around and find your purse staring at you. I think the purse is stalking me! I'm gonna have nightmares about an albino rabbit/pig/mouse trying to kill me and take over my identity (it probably would be sorely disappointed because I'm not the most exciting person).  It could really happen, after all, the purse is an extra set of hands.  Maybe it's got the hands from Idle Hands inside, bent on murderous destruction.  It is called Joyrider--riders are the loa Gods in Voodoo that can take over humans, so it's probably a possessed purse.  And here you thought it was just a sickeningly sweet little handbag.  Well, now you know.


Rock Bag: $170 

Big Bird called.  He's extremely pissed off that you stole his feathers.  He'd really like them back and dyed back to their natural color.  Yet another baffling purse name.  Rock bag?  The designers do know what a rock is, right?  Solid, dense piece of compacted earth/minerals/lava that comes in various sizes?  Feathers are not so much a part of rocks, unless they're fossilized or you're decapitating poultry on a large, flat rock.  Do they mean rock and roll?  Again, I'm not sure how feathers go with rock music either, unless you're maybe going back to the 80s hair bands.  But, even so, they were much more into hairspray and makeup than feathers. Maybe they let Jessica Simpson name their purse.






Cheetah Bows $138 

At least this purse is exactly what it says it is.  It's got a delightful cheetah print with lovely red bows scattered across it.  Nothing says cute and cuddly quite like a large, predatory cat and bows.  Heck, stick bows on anything, and it just makes you want to snuggle it up.  In fact, I think I'm going to go find myself a grizzly bear and stick a bow on it.  I will love it, and hug it, and name it George.  What?  You say the bear will rip me apart?  That's just silly!  It can't with the bow on it.  Besides, I'll just let the alien hand out if things get nasty.



Well, we've come to the end of my guided tour of the House of Horrors . . . I mean purses.  I know that you are now so much more enlightened than you ever thought to be.  Keep an eye out for my new line of overpriced, hideous, er, I mean delightfully whimsical and sophisticated handbags coming to a store near you!  Maybe next time I'll give you an inside tour of the world of shoes, since I now need to replace most of mine (okay, roughly 4 pairs) because the puppy keeps eating them.