The Cake

Admittedly, my cooking skills often have been somewhat questionable (as with other domestic-type skills). While they have progressed and improved immensely, early attempts were, well, unedible. However, some of that was simply misreading directions. Take for example the first meal I ever cooked for a boyfriend. I could have swore the package said cook at 120 degrees for 20 minutes. I did and was pleased to set a lovely plate of food in front of my now ex. Unfortunately, that was definitely not the proper cooking method for . . . um . . . chicken. For the next two years of that relationship, every time I cooked chicken, I was asked the same question: "Are you sure it's done?" Apparently, the threat of salmonella poisoning was probably too much to ever overcome.

Then there were, okay are cookies. I have never gotten a single batch of homemade cookies to turn out properly (as can be seen in an early blog). Besides the lowfat cookie debacle, there was the improper substitution of baking soda for baking powder (or maybe it was vice versa--I still have no idea which one can't be substituted for the other). I believe I made the first ever unleavened cookies that had a molecular combination stronger than steel. No matter what I did, I could not pry the things off the pan. I ended up just throwing the whole pan out. Then there were the the "combination" cookies. I wanted a cookie that was peanut butter chocolate chip carmel. I could not find a recipe anywhere for that type of cookie, so I decided to combine two different recipes. The end result was a sticky, chewy mess that tasted--well, let's just say the taste was indescribable, and not in a good way. On the plus side, I fed a couple to the dogs, which was very entertaining (yes, our dogs will eat anything). It took them roughly 10 minutes to finish chewing and swallowing the things.

The pièce de résistance, though, was a chocolate cake I made for treat day at work. I decided that instead of buying something, I would make an extra effort and actually make a cake for treat day. Now, this was not from scratch, but I anticipated delight at my culinary box cake preparation prowess. The first snafu I encountered was that I did not have the right size pan to bake a cake. No problem, I thought. I'll just use an 8 x 8 square pan and cook it a little longer. So I popped it in the oven and added an extra 10 minutes; I mean really, how much longer could it take to cook a cake in a smaller pan? When the timer went off, I proudly marched over to the oven, ready to pull my delectible cake out and frost it. However, when I opened the oven, the thing had puffed up like a gigantic mushroom, roughly three times as tall as the actual pan! While this definitely was a dilemma, I simply placed it on the counter and walked away. After all, it did need time to cool before I could frost it. I figured in the mean time, I could come up with some sort of solution to this problem.

Roughly half an hour later, I meandered back into the kitchen. Basically, the only solution I had come up with was to just frost the thing and take it to work "as is." After all, it was still a cake. Imagine my surprise when I looked at the cake, and, instead of a huge puff, there was now a crater in the middle of the cake--the thing had collapsed like a soufflé. Yet, this was a rather pleasing development, for I figured it would be far easier to hide a crater than a gigantic balloon of cake. And I had just the thing to do so: Swiss Cake rolls! I was so pleased with myself for having come up with such a brilliant idea! I took out the Swiss Cake rolls and chopped them into small circles, carefully filling in the crater. Then I grabbed a knife to cut the cake. It was the consistancy of pudding. Now what? Back in the oven, of course!

I cooked it for another 20 minutes. I was positive that would be more than long enough. Pulling it out of the oven a second time, I was dismayed to discover all the frosting and cream had melted off the Swiss Cake roll pieces. They were now hard crunchy little shells. And the cake was still like pudding. I had no idea what to do about the Swiss Cake roll problem. I decided I'd tackle that one after the cake finished cooking. 20 minutes later, pudding. 20 minutes after that, pudding. Sighing, I finally decided it was time to abandon the cake. I pulled out a garbage bag and watched it plop out of the pan. By the time I finished scooping it all out, the garbage bag must have weighed about five pounds.

In the end, it was back to the good old stand by for treat day: a bag of chips and a package of cookies. On the plus side, they were edible